*Authors Note: This little piece was actually completed in early 2013 but didn’t make it onto the site because I felt the season was too far along when BEV went live. Therefore some of it may feel like old news. I’ll change a few bits to make it more relevant, but in the name of saving time I’m just going to post it now, complete with outdated makes and models.
Chaos reigns supreme!
There has been upheaval in F1 and the manufacturers and sponsors have bolted in the aftermath of Bernie’s arrest and imprisonment for laundering billions of dollars earmarked for the constructors into offshore accounts traced to Vlad Putin, Kate Upton and the self appointed King of Bahrain, Hamad bin Isa Al Khalifa.
Jean Todt has done Max Mosely one better and disgraced himself and the entire FIA after it was reported that he and wife Michelle Yeoh used the headquarters in Paris to stage a erotic enactment of Napoleon’s coup d’etat of 1799.
The Indycar team owners have again mutinied and are once again under the control of Tony George and Brian Barnhart, but the Hullman-George family are fighting back and are threatening to turn The 500 into a Purdue School of Engineering solar powered kit car race.
After learning that Obama was reelected to a second term, the France family, with the backing of Toby Keith, attempted to take Nascar and secede from the Union.
In other words, racing is in shambles and there is only one person who could put together a 2014 season. You may be thinking that I’m about to introduce Paul Gentilozzi, but no, that person is me! Without hesitation I quickly broke out a box of Autocourse season reviews and viewed the Duke Video 1990 F1 season review VHS tape for 5 consecutive hours. Properly fired up, I then consulted my 1980’s rolodex and started making calls and sending fax messages. The amazing result of my labors is a 22 race schedule that will span the globe and once and for all determine who is the greatest driver in the world. Granted, the actual greatest driver in the world may be a cabbie in Kabul or a getaway driver in inner city Chicago, but in order to get corporate backing and TV contracts in place I had to use all big name professional drivers.
I. The Drivers:
The following drivers all agreed to place their reputations on the line and participate because this will be the only racing taking place this year on a professional level:
From F1: Sebastian Vettel, Fernando Alonso, Lewis Hamilton, Kimi Raikkonen, and Jenson Button.
Note: The Slim family offered me quite a large sum of dinero to include Perez but I held strong and declined.*
*But it did give me a “lucrative” idea to set up a wildcard category to be discussed later.
From NASCAR: Jimmy Johnson, Tony Stewart, Kyle Busch, Brad Keselowski and Carl Edwards.
Note: Similar to the pressure I received from the Slim’s in F1, I started receiving very threatening calls over my Dale omission so I set up an “Offspring of Legends” category again to be discussed later.
From Indycar: Tony Kanaan, Scott Dixon, Will Power, Simon Pagenaud and Ryan Hunter-Reay.
Note: Oddly enough I didn’t get a single call from a reporter or sponsor regarding my announcement but a Chinese blogger did inquire about interviewing Ashley Judd.
From the Sportscar world: Mark Webber, Stephane Ortelli, Tom Kristensen, Alex Wurz and Jorg Bergmeister.
Note: The guys on Radio LeMans were pretty fired up over a few of my picks.
The Touring Car contingent: Bruno Spengler, Yvan Muller, Gary Paffett, Jamie Whincup and Mike Rockenfeller.
Note: There was an outcry in the German newspaper The Bild over my decision to leave out Dirk Werner and a Twitter campaign calling for my ouster started gaining a lot of traction throughout Bavaria. #bulseyeidiot #bulblindeyeview
From the world of dirt: Sebastian Loeb, Steve Kinser, Mikko Hirvonen, Donny Schatz and Stephane Peterhansel.
Note: After hearing that he was grouped with Loeb and Hirvonen, Kinser was heard muttering, “Are these the dudes that race those little economy cars up hills in places nobody has ever head of?”
The Wildcards: Youtube trick driving star Ken Block, two wheel hero Valentino Rossi, all rounder Juan Pablo Montoya, the aforementioned Sergio Perez and sprint car ace and future Cup star Kyle Larson
Team Nippon: Kamui Kobayashi
Note: What did you think I could put together a good show and not include a Japanese driver??
Offspring of Legends: Dale Jr and Jacques Villeneuve
Tasmanian Devil: Marcos Ambrose
The Over 40 Family Guys: Scott Pruett and Jeff Gordon
Chaos Providers: Paul Tracy, Robby Gordon and Kurt Busch
From Russia with Love: Vitaly Petrov
Down with the PRC: Ho Ping-Tung (we needed the ratings!)
Team Nico: Nico Rosberg and Nico Hulkenberg
Father vs Son: Jan and Kevin Magnussen
The Inspiration: Alex Zanardi
The Body: Danica Patrick
Note: We needed somebody to push our sponsor’s products in a bikini so Danica gets the nod. I toiled with the idea of selecting Milka Dunno after receiving a substantial offer from Citgo, but after conducting a secret day long test in the Ferrari F168 at Maranello she was still 14 seconds off the pace!
So there you have it. 52 drivers listed to compete in the championship!
Note: Robert Kubica has been granted permission to enter any event that his mangled hand will allow.
II. The Cars:
Don’t ask me how I achieved it but I was able to persuade Ferrari to manufacture 52 F1 cars, Penske to build 52 Dallaras, Hendrick to build up 52 Chevy Cup cars, etc. Like Tom Petty sings, “It’s Good to be King!”
III. The Schedule:
- Monaco Rally – Car: Citron DS3 WRC – 52 starters
- Daytona 500 – Car: Hendrick Chevy – 43 starters based on qualifying
- Phoenix Indy 250 – Car: Penske Dallara – Two 100k heat races of 26 cars determined by qualifying with the top 12 in each heat advancing to a 24 car main
- Baja 500 – Car: Robby Gordon trophy trucks – 52 starters
- Hockenheim DTM – Car: BMW M3 – 52 starters based on a one hour qualifying session.
- Monaco F1 – Car: Ferrari F1 – 24 starters based on a knock out qualifying format of two 30 minutes sessions of 26 cars with the top 12 in each advancing to a final 24 car 30 minute session.
- Indy 500 – Car: Penske Dallara – 33 starters based on 4 lap qualifying
- Charlotte 600 – Car: Hendrick Chevy – 43 starters based on qualifying. Note: this will run the same day as the 500.
- Nurgburgring 3 hour – Car: Factory 911 RSR – 52 starters based on a one hour qualifying session.
- SPA F1 – Car: Ferrari F1 – 24 starters based on a knock out qualifying format of two 30 minutes sessions of 26 cars with the top 12 in each advancing to a final 24 car 30 minute session.
- LeMans 3 hour – Car: Audi R18 e-tron Quattro – 52 starters based on qualifying
- FFord Brands Hatch (Grand Prix Layout) – Car: West Surrey Racing FF’s – Two 30 min heats of 26 cars determined by qualifying with the top 12 in each heat advancing to a 40 minute 24 car main.
- USAC Silver Crown at Indy Raceway Park – Car: Tony Stewart Racing sprint cars – Saturday Night Special with 4 heats, C, B and A Main
- Macau F3 – Car ASM Dallara/Mercedes – Two 30 min heats of 26 cars determined by qualifying with the top 12 in each heat advancing to a 45 minute 24 car main
- Rally Finland – Car: Citron DS3 WRC – 52 starters
- Bathurst 500 V8 Supercar – Car: Holden VE Commodore – 52 starters based on qualifying
- Monza F1 – Car: Ferrari F1 – 24 starters based on a knock out qualifying format of two 30 minutes sessions of 26 cars with the top 12 in each advancing to a final 24 car 30 minute session.
- Bristol 500 – Car: Hendrick Chevy – 43 starters based on qualifying
- Knoxville Woo – Car: Kinser WOO cars – Saturday Night Special with 4 heats, C, B and A Main
- Aragon, Spain Kart – Kart: KF2 125cc Zanardi karts – Two 15 min heats of 26 karts determined by qualifying with the top 12 in each heat advancing to a 30 minute 24 kart main
- Suzuka Formula Nippon – Car: Nakajima Racing – 30 starters based on a knock out qualifying format of two 30 minutes sessions of 26 cars with the top 15 in each advancing to the final.
- Laguna Seca – Mazda MX-5 Cup – Car: Mazda MX5 – 52 starters based on qualifying
IV. The Rules:
The above 22 races will take place in equally prepared cars and use the point system of 20, 16, 14, 10, 8, 6, 4, 3, 2, 1.
Elaborate software will be fixed to each car providing telemetry back to an undisclosed warehouse in Acapulco where a team of engineers will closely monitor the performance of each car. As a precautionary measure the engineers will only see the data of the cars and will not be privy to who is handling the driving duties.
Preseason testing will be kept to a minimum but will entail: 2 day F1 test at Jerez, 1 day in the FF cars at Snetterton, 2 day Indy test at The Brickyard, 1 day Silver Crown test at IRP, 2 day rally test at the Citroen test facility outside of Paris, 1 day test in the Audi at LeMans, 2 days in the draft at Daytona, 2 days in the WOO sprinters at El Dora and 1 day to play with the Robbie Gordon trucks in Ensenada.
At each race we will follow the current rules of that particular series. For instance, only 24 cars will qualify for the F1 races, only 33 will start Indy and only 43 will make the Cup races.
Nigel Mansell has been named the chief steward and will work with series and circuit officials to ensure that race meetings go off without any bias towards certain drivers. Nigel still carries a black belt in Karate and mentioned he would consider a punch or kick in the name of fair play. It is worth noting that AJ Foyt was initially offered this position but he declined citing a lack of desire to work with long haired European men of a different sexual persuasion.
This is going to be a big year! Stay tuned for a mid-season update.